Tracy Morgan is Khloe Kardashian’s Father

May 23, 2012, 7:08 am

≫ Next: This Is What Happens When Conan O’Brien Reviews The New ‘Tomb Raider’ Game

Okay, so that headline may not be entirely true – Although, she did turn down that DNA test. – but it is one of the 800 random things Tracy Morgan said during his appearance on Conan last night which are always fucking hilarious. I don’t want to oversell it, but the Charlton Heston bit was the greatest thing I ever saw in my life and not just because it made Kelly Brook jump out of my monitor and blow me until I took on the shape of a unicorn with the power to travel to the farthest reaches of the galaxies. So, again, try to keep those expectations low.

Photo: Getty

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This Is What Happens When Conan O’Brien Reviews The New ‘Tomb Raider’ Game

February 27, 2013, 10:53 am

≫ Next: Alice Eve’s Breasts Are In This Post

≪ Previous: Tracy Morgan is Khloe Kardashian’s Father

Conan O’Brien does a segment called “Clueless Gamer” where he reviews the latest video games even though he doesn’t play them or know anything about them and admittedly hates them. Each one is awesome including this latest one for the new Tomb Raider which is especially hilarious considering how many articles were written about it being a more a serious approach to Lara Croft and not about her CGI body making men want to bang a jumble of polygons which we absolutely would if we could. Although to the developers’ credit, they managed to pull off both because it reviewed remarkably well yet every single camera angle was deliberately programmed to be up Lara’s butt. It’s a technological marvel, that’s what I’m trying to say here.

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Alice Eve’s Breasts Are In This Post

May 23, 2013, 10:06 am

≫ Next: Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch Showering In ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ To Nullify Alice Eve’s Boobs

≪ Previous: This Is What Happens When Conan O’Brien Reviews The New ‘Tomb Raider’ Game

While The Pope just nullified Pascal’s wager and theoretically tore a hole in the supernatural universe, unleashing all the terrifying consequences that come with that, he doesn’t have spectacular breasts so I don’t even know why I brought it up. But Alice Eve does, so here she is on Conan where she ironically talks about being a life-long exhibitionist while Damon Lindelof and J.J. Abrams can’t trip over themselves fast enough to apologize for showing her boobs in space. Which practically makes her an angel save for the part where I have sex with her and her equally-hot sister angels when I get to Heaven. (Have I mentioned I love the new pope? I love the new pope.)

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Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch Showering In ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ To Nullify Alice Eve’s Boobs

May 23, 2013, 11:55 am

≫ Next: We Went To See ‘Man of Steel,’ Here’s Amy Adams’ Boob-Dress

≪ Previous: Alice Eve’s Breasts Are In This Post

Benedict Cumberbatch Shower Scene Star Trek Into Darkness

Sorry to hit you with two Conan clips today, but remember when I said in the Alice Eve post about Alice Eve‘s breasts that J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof couldn’t trip over themselves fast enough to apologize for showing them in Star Trek Into Darkness? You don’t and did nothing but look at her breasts? Good answer. Well, apparently J.J. went on Conan last night and brought a deleted scene featuring Benedict Cumberbatch‘s Totally Not The Character You Think He Is (I got $5 inside a puzzle box for writing that.) taking a shower. A scene that got completely cut from the movie, so I’m not sure what point J.J. Abrams was trying to make here except that he’s a sexual deviant who clearly wants to see everybody he works with naked, and goddammit, now I respect him. ABRAAAAAAAMMMMMSSSS!!

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We Went To See ‘Man of Steel,’ Here’s Amy Adams’ Boob-Dress

June 14, 2013, 4:55 am

≫ Next: Conan Found Heather Locklear’s Old Exercise Video

≪ Previous: Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch Showering In ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ To Nullify Alice Eve’s Boobs

Amy Adams Cleavage Nipples Man Of Steel Premiere London

So by the time you’re reading this, the lights just dimmed and Photo Boy and I are ~~slowly reaching ours hands towards each other~~ watching Man of Steel which I’ll detail how gently or harshly it treated my nerd-boner later this afternoon. In the meantime, you’ll notice new posts already on the site, and to keep you entertained I’ve included Amy Adams‘ contextually relevant cleavage and two videos after the jump because this post is your substitute teacher now. Don’t make it cry.

Clueless Gamer – “Injustice: Gods Among Us”

Sarah Silverman – Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

(I have a soft spot for comedians talking shop. Also, apparently Crackle wants its embeds to show a black screen and look like they’re dead even though they’re not. Clever, girl…)

They’ll be a quiz on Monday on both of these.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Getty

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Conan Found Heather Locklear’s Old Exercise Video

June 26, 2013, 9:35 am

≫ Next: Aubrey Plaza Talking About Angrily Masturbating In A Hillary Clinton T-Shirt, Anyone?

≪ Previous: We Went To See ‘Man of Steel,’ Here’s Amy Adams’ Boob-Dress

Here’s Conan O’Brien surprising Heather Locklear with an old exercise video from the 90s his staff dug up. And if you’re wondering why I’m even bothering to post this, and more importantly the full version below, it’s to teach you mama’s teatsuckers a lesson about the times before there the Internet. Hard times. Times when a man had nothing but an exercise video or Victoria’s Secret catalog if he was lucky, but mostly scavenged like a rat, forwarding old VHS copies of Road House, The Terminator and one time Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (Was not what I thought.) And you know what? It made us strong. Strong enough to dare step outside in the sun before getting really hot and seeing a bee. A feat I’ve done m’self this very afternoon and can still hear its buzzing when I shut me eyes. Try that, ya babies.

h/t Uproxx

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Aubrey Plaza Talking About Angrily Masturbating In A Hillary Clinton T-Shirt, Anyone?

July 24, 2013, 10:07 am

≫ Next: Louis CK Exactly Nails The Bleak, Depressing Reality of Smartphones

≪ Previous: Conan Found Heather Locklear’s Old Exercise Video

Originally I was going to post Bruce Willis being a dick on British radio, but then I saw this clip of Aubrey Plaza talking about masturbating on Conan and thought, “Hmm, people might want to hear about this.” And in case you can’t watch the video, here she is describing the scene to GQ:

“I liked angrily masturbating. I say my own name, which you kind of think could be hot in a way, but it doesn’t come off that way. I’m like, ‘C’mon Brandy. You got this, Brandy.’ But I have two hands up my vagina, and I’m wearing a Hillary Clinton T-shirt.”

Wait, wait, wait. You’re supposed to put two hands into a vagina? Because according to my notes for ~~the day I finally~~ when I have sex all day everyday, it’s supposed to be an erect penis. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LIAR, THE MIRACLE OF LIFE?!

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, WENN

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Louis CK Exactly Nails The Bleak, Depressing Reality of Smartphones

September 20, 2013, 8:35 am

≫ Next: Marlon Brando Once Groped Natasha Lyonne

≪ Previous: Aubrey Plaza Talking About Angrily Masturbating In A Hillary Clinton T-Shirt, Anyone?

Louis CK stopped by Conan last night where a quip about not giving his daughters phones turned into a painfully true observation about the futility of life and how we use technology to ignore the fact we’re all alone in the fucking universe. And what’s amazing is you find yourself laughing at what’s basically a clear admission from a man that he’s suicidally depressed just like I became while realizing how right he is. *pulls out phone, tweets about rednecks at Walmart* Or am I?! Ahaha! Ha, ha… ha. *stares at the wall for 18 hours*

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Marlon Brando Once Groped Natasha Lyonne

September 25, 2013, 11:33 am

≫ Next: Conan Found A Secret Message In The Kardashian Khristmas Kard Kim Kluk Klan Khloe

≪ Previous: Louis CK Exactly Nails The Bleak, Depressing Reality of Smartphones

Stories about lecherous old Hollywood actors are my favorite because they harken back to a more innocent time when people did horrible things without having any clue they’d later be recorded on a global porn sharing device you can carry around in your pocket. So here’s Natasha Lyonne on Conan recalling the time Marlon Brando was filming Scary Movie 2 before conveniently getting pneumonia and bowing out. But not before groping Natasha’s breasts as his assistant was reading lines into his earpiece. Even more hilarious is how everyone, including Jane Lynch, just nods and agrees with Conan that there’s nothing anyone could’ve done about it. Andy Richter, who was in the scene, admitted he just looked away, and I believe him because apparently the first rule they teach you about Hollywood is, “You didn’t see shit.” Which is how Glenn Close managed to kill that family. True story.

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Conan Found A Secret Message In The Kardashian Khristmas Kard Kim Kluk Klan Khloe

December 4, 2013, 7:36 am

≫ Next: Jennifer Lawrence Will Talk About Butt Plugs Now

≪ Previous: Marlon Brando Once Groped Natasha Lyonne

Conan Kardashian Christmas Card Hidden Message

I honestly wouldn’t put it past these people to do something like this on purpose, but the only way to know for sure is to fold it into an origami duck and see if it pisses on Kendall. (Why didn’t I say Kim? Her only purpose is to be served for Christmas dinner now. Kris has foreseen it.)

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Jennifer Lawrence Will Talk About Butt Plugs Now

December 19, 2013, 8:51 am

≫ Next: Beth Behrs Grabbed Kat Dennings’ Breast

≪ Previous: Conan Found A Secret Message In The Kardashian Khristmas Kard Kim Kluk Klan Khloe

Earlier this morning I was informed that America is Sodom and Gomorrah now, and lo and behold, here’s Jennifer Lawrence talking about her “copious amounts of butt plugs” on Conan last night because she’s simply delightful. That said, my apologies for posting two hard-hitting pieces of journalism in a row this close to Christmas. We’re supposed to be about tits and dick jokes. You’re right.

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Beth Behrs Grabbed Kat Dennings’ Breast

January 8, 2014, 8:00 am

≫ Next: Katy Perry Fingerbanged Anna Kendrick’s Cleavage

≪ Previous: Jennifer Lawrence Will Talk About Butt Plugs Now

Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs probably have some sort of acting thing together, but that’s not important enough for me to Google, because here’s a clip of Beth accidentally grabbing Kat’s breast on Conan last night. And to then untrained mortal eye it looks like everyone shared a laugh and moved along, but what few realize is that what was a blink in the eye to us was actually 20 years of Beth Behrs being transported to a mystical realm where magic and mammaries are king. She left behind a loving husband and three boob-children, each as nip-dorable as the next. You know what? I probably shouldn’t bring this up. She gets pretty emotional about it.

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Katy Perry Fingerbanged Anna Kendrick’s Cleavage

January 29, 2014, 11:00 am

≫ Next: We Went To The Movies And All You Got Are These Jennifer Metcalfe Bikini Photos

≪ Previous: Beth Behrs Grabbed Kat Dennings’ Breast

Anna Kendrick Cleavage Katy Perry 56th Grammy Awards

The State of The Union was last night. And while President Obama proposed solutions to tackle poverty and climate change as Republicans went gay over duck people, absolutely none of that involved Anna Kendrick revealing that Katy Perry‘s signature move is to walk up to chicks and fingerblast them right in the tits. So below is Anna doing just that which is obviously way more important than whatever that stuff I just said was about. Something about ducks being president? You could buy them off with breadcrumbs. It’ll never work.

Photos: Getty, WENN

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We Went To The Movies And All You Got Are These Jennifer Metcalfe Bikini Photos

April 4, 2014, 7:30 am

≫ Next: Christina Hendricks’ Breasts Want To Be On ‘Game of Thrones,’ This Needs To Happen

≪ Previous: Katy Perry Fingerbanged Anna Kendrick’s Cleavage

Alright, folks, apparently the summer blockbuster season starts the first weekend of April now, so by the time you’re reading this Photo Boy and I are on our way to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier where there will be no hand holding or butterfly kisses. I don’t care what that hobo we paid to film us says. He’s a drunk. So while we do that, and you wait with bated breath for my review later today, here’s whoever the hell Jennifer Metcalfe is. (The bikini pickins were slim. Sue me.) And if that does nothing for you, below is Conan O’Brien giving Jordan Schlansky a cowboy makeover which should immediately send you plummeting down a YouTube hole to find more of him because my God:

“I have a cappuccino and a savory pastry.” This man is a Terminator. He is a Terminator sent back from the future to blend into humanity except robots have no idea how normal people talk and now we are richer for it.

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Photos: Abaca/AKM-GSI

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Christina Hendricks’ Breasts Want To Be On ‘Game of Thrones,’ This Needs To Happen

April 8, 2014, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Abigail Ratchford Will Comfort You Now

≪ Previous: We Went To The Movies And All You Got Are These Jennifer Metcalfe Bikini Photos

If you’re like me, you enjoy huge, ample breasts and the HBO series Game of Thrones, so here’s ~~one~~ two of those things talking about wanting to get inside the other. And I think I speak of all nerddom when I say that if Christina Hendricks gets naked in Westeros, a dragon will fly out of my penis. A literal, honest to God dragon. With Peter Dinklage on its back.

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Abigail Ratchford Will Comfort You Now

May 23, 2014, 7:01 am

≫ Next: Tracy Morgan Is A Goddamn Survivor

≪ Previous: Christina Hendricks’ Breasts Want To Be On ‘Game of Thrones,’ This Needs To Happen

Alright, folks, it’s a Friday when a major summer blockbuster releases, so we already mentally checked out yesterday. But to keep you company, here’s Abigail Ratchford – who can’t possibly be from Pennsylvania, there’s no fucking way – along with a new Honest Trailer, Clueless Gamer, and this week’s edition of The Most Important People on The Internet which is either already hovering above this post or about to be once I stop seeing visions of naked, blue Jennifer Lawrence and burritos. Be good, and no fighting with your sister.

X-Men Trilogy: Honest Trailer

Clueless Gamer: Watch Dogs

(I thought for sure this game would make buy a PS4 next week, but this shit looks like Grand Theft Smartphone. A game I never finished, by the way, because- wait, what’s that shiny thing?! WHEE!)

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Photos: PRPH/AKM-GSI, Splash News

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Tracy Morgan Is A Goddamn Survivor

June 9, 2014, 5:46 am

≫ Next: Conan Got An Advance Copy of ‘Super Smash Bros.’

≪ Previous: Abigail Ratchford Will Comfort You Now

In case you somehow missed it over the weekend, Tracy Morgan was involved in a deadly car accident on the New Jersey turnpike early Saturday morning after a Walmart truck driver who was allegedly asleep at the wheel slammed into six vehicles including Tracy’s limobus which left his mentor and best friend Jimmy Mack dead and Tracy in the ICU. As of yesterday, he was expected to pull through but will be hospitalized for weeks. THR reports:

“While Tracy remains in critical condition, he has been more responsive today, which is an incredibly encouraging sign,” said rep Lewis Kay in a Sunday statement. “He sustained a number of injuries including a broken leg, a broken femur, a broken nose and several broken ribs. He had surgery earlier today on his leg. We expect him to remain in the hospital for several weeks. His family is tremendously overwhelmed and appreciative of the outpouring of love and support from his fans.”

My absolute favorite mornings on this job – and it doesn’t happen often – is whenever Tracy Morgan’s just been on Conan and says a bunch of ridiculous shit that’s light years funnier than anything I could possibly write below Joanna Krupa‘s smelly vagina. So here are a few of those clips which I thought would be better than me trying to joke about how many Motts For Tots #BBare poured out for Tracy. You’re welcome.

Photo: FameFlynet

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Conan Got An Advance Copy of ‘Super Smash Bros.’

June 12, 2014, 11:21 am

≫ Next: Conan Went To E3 And Other News

≪ Previous: Tracy Morgan Is A Goddamn Survivor

Feedly is under another DDoS attack, so I’m literally just posting shit that amuses me, and there’s not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it thanks to my new girlfriend who hopefully should be here any minute now. And better be because I bought all these Funyuns. And meth. Anyway, here’s Conan O’Brien reviewing Super Smash Bros Wii U which isn’t even out until the holidays, but Nintendo needs to turn the Wii U around quickly, or else a kaiju will rise up from the sea and make tentacle porn with their wives. It’s all right here in their stock report. Only an asshole would make something like that up.

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Conan Went To E3 And Other News

June 20, 2014, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Jason Biggs Peeing On Chelsea Handler Is Something We All Can Agree On

≪ Previous: Conan Got An Advance Copy of ‘Super Smash Bros.’

- Whitewashing Batfleck‘s gambling problem begins. [Lainey Gossip]

- Lady GaGa and R. Kelly made a rape video with Terry Richardson or something. [Dlisted]

- Random Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About The Porn Industry [theCHIVE]

- Goddammit, Katy Perry. What did you do?! [Fishwrapper]

- A mommy blogger with Munchausen by proxy? What could go wrong? [The Frisky]

- Hello, Samantha Gradoville… [Popoholic]

- God wanted Ashley Benson‘s security guard to bang her. Seems legit. [Starpulse]

- Can We Admit That Jimmy Fallon Sucks? [The Daily Banter]

- Matthew McConaughey might not be in Magic Mike XXL. THIS WORLD MUST BURN. [Film Drunk]

- Miss USA didn’t know her state capital?! Strike, Sarah Michelle Gellar! Strike hard! [tooFab]

- Taylor Swift‘s transition into a cat lady is going well. [IDLYITW]

- Jesus Christ, Genevieve Morton‘s cleavage. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Kris Jenner is pissed Kanye wouldn’t let her sell his wedding photos. [Celebslam]

- Jillian Michaels‘ ripped, naked, dude’s body. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Jason Biggs Peeing On Chelsea Handler Is Something We All Can Agree On

October 16, 2014, 12:02 pm

≫ Next: Emily Ratajkowski Will Sell You ‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Now

≪ Previous: Conan Went To E3 And Other News

Yesterday the Internet’s top story was Amber Rose‘s butt, and now today it’s Jason Biggs peeing on Chelsea Handler because humanity is 11. Not that I’m above posting it, too, because, ha ha ha, the pee goes right in her face. Plus it makes her a hypocrite for always talking shit on Kim Kardashian. They’re practically twins now.

Here’s Chelsea explaining the situation to Conan in case you need context for Jason Biggs peeing in her face which I do not. I didn’t even bother watching this. The pee went in the face. Case closed.

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Emily Ratajkowski Will Sell You ‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Now

November 4, 2014, 8:26 am

≫ Next: Let’s Take A Break From Rapists, Child Molesters, And Everything Else

≪ Previous: Jason Biggs Peeing On Chelsea Handler Is Something We All Can Agree On

While today will determine the political future of our country until the presidential campaign season starts tomorrow, none of that involves tits and guns in exosuits, so America has but zero fucks to give as it prepares to celebrate today’s true holiday. So here’s Emily Ratajkowski in the new Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare trailer which is some SJW horseshit. What do SLUTS know about GAMES? (Did I do that right? I’m still learning how to speak sad little fuck.) Also, here’s Conan with a new Clueless Gamer because Activision’s marketing is that strong. Although apparently not strong enough to offer me money or even a coupon, so I don’t know why I just posted all of this. – *looks at Emily Ratajkowski’s breasts again* – Yes, my master…

EDIT: I love how almost half of this is ripping on the military funeral minigame, and yes, those words just happened:

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Let’s Take A Break From Rapists, Child Molesters, And Everything Else

November 19, 2014, 9:00 am

≫ Next: The 2014 MTV Movie Awards

≪ Previous: Emily Ratajkowski Will Sell You ‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Now

It’s been a heady few days of rape, more rape, and reporters basically asking “alleged” rape victims why they didn’t just not get raped. So before I start writing about child rape (which I may completely flake out on before my soul falls out), let’s just kick our feet up and look at Miss Bum Bum finalist Claudia Alende recreating Kim Kardashian‘s naked photo shoot. And if that’s not your thing, below is Conan taking Jordan Schlansky coffee-tasting which is hilarious if you enjoy watching a replicant spectacularly fail to blend in with normal humans:

“Cookies weren’t made with monoglycerides.” – Replicant

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Photos: The Grosby Group/AKM-GSI

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The 2014 MTV Movie Awards

April 14, 2014, 4:55 am

≫ Next: Zac Efron Might Be Your New Marvel Person

≪ Previous: Let’s Take A Break From Rapists, Child Molesters, And Everything Else

Here’s the rest of The 2014 MTV Movie Awards which you’ll quickly notice is mostly Rita Ora‘s cleavage, and for some odd reason, an almost equal amount of Zac Efron shirtless which was a typo. I have no idea how those got there, or why I tried to wash my clothes on them. I should probably get my blood sugar checked.

Photos: Getty

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Zac Efron Might Be Your New Marvel Person

May 15, 2014, 8:38 am

≫ Next: Conan O’Brien stalked by Catholic priestConan O’Brien stalked by Catholic priest

≪ Previous: The 2014 MTV Movie Awards

Last year, Latino Review reported that Zac Efron and Ryan Gosling were up for the roles of Han Solo and/or Luke Skywalker‘s son(s) which did not happen at all. But this time, they’re super serious that Zac Efron has met with Marvel about playing.. something. Unleash The Speculator!

We can exclusively report that Zac Efron is being looked at for unspecified role in an upcoming Marvel Studios project. He was given a script for the project just recently and currently no one knows which part is actually in play. The only one that knows that answer is his Manager and he will not comment on it.
Could Efron be the flagship casting for Marvel’s move into a massive four-series Netflix push as “Daredevil?”
Efron could make a great Dr. Steven Strange or at least a big announcement at Comic Con come July.
Is “Guardians of the Galaxy” enough fun to make Marvel think a solo Nova film could bring in the audience that strays outside the Star Wars franchise? Or could he be let’s say Adam Warlock?

And I’m going to cut you off at Adam Warlock because I don’t have time to sit here and get into that, or your next wild guess which was Black Bolt even though – *turns Blake Lively post around so it can’t see* – an Inhumans movie would be the tits. What I will do, however, is post this recently unearthed concept art from back when Fox was trying to get Mel Gibson to play Wolverine:

Mel Gibson Wolverine

But before all of you kill yourself for living in a world where this didn’t happen, allow me to direct your attention to an even better Wolverine that can still (and goddamn should) happen and won’t give Hitler’s ghost an erection. “A claw man! Vhy didn’t I zink of dat? Stupid scientists vith zare gas chambers. I shall haunt dare dreams!”

Photos: Getty

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